Starbuck’s latest frozen beverage, the Unicorn Frappuccino, hit stores nationwide Wednesday, and it’s become an Internet sensation. When I saw a picture of the pink and blue Frappe, which bears some resemblance to the cotton candy-flavored Trix yogurt we all enjoyed as kids, I was immediately transported back to my childhood days of carrying iridescent Lisa Frank folders to school and watching that one episode of Catscratch where Gordon lies to unicorn-obsessed Kimberly, whom he addresses as “Human Kimberly” because he’s a cat, about a unicorn roaming around the woods, so he gets his feline brothers Mr. Blik and Waffle to wear a unicorn costume and head for the woods in order to make Kimberly affirm her pre-pubescent belief that unicorns do indeed exist. Actually, the only thing from that episode (“Unicorn Club” for my fellow animation nerds) that came to my mind was the “Fancy Pants Unicorn” song, which is exactly what I sang the moment I bought the Unicorn Frappe the next day.
The Unicorn Frappe tastes like cotton candy with a hint of mango–a perfect combination for a Miami-bred girl who’s favorite fruit juice is mango. My high school classmates reported some sourness in their Unicorn Frappes, but I didn’t catch a Sour Patch Kid swimming around in mine.
I thought my usual Strawberries and Creme Frappe was heavenly, but the Unicorn Frappe really sent me to a Heaven where angels rode unicorns through rainbows and glittery, cotton candy clouds. The next morning, it sent me to Hell. I woke up with a burning sensation in my lower chest that came and went all day, nearly sending me into an anxiety spiral again. During my mani-pedi session, I discovered that my heartburn (or gastritis) was due to the sugar rush the Unicorn Frappe gave me. The drink packed a whopping 76 grams of sugar, which is equivalent to three Snickers bars and two cans of Coca-Cola. I don’t consume any of those products–especially Coca-Cola–yet I started to regret allowing myself to be lured into that sugar trap of a Frappuccino with a cutesy name. In retrospect, the maple syrup I ate with my waffles that morning contains 32 grams of sugar.
The Unicorn Frappe is available at local Starbucks until Sunday, while supplies last. And thank God, because I never wanna drink that much sugar ever again, no matter how popular it is. Katy Perry was wise to spit it out on her first sip. As for the baristas who were forced to drizzle blue dyes over the Frappes non-stop, I feel your frustration.